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Marriage is Great!, if your Prepared
18 steps to prepare for your Marriage.

These Questions and Answers are for the Bride and Groom Only. 

Premarital Counseling is very important. You are making one of the two most important decisions of your life. Before you give your word or oath to your creator to be husband and wife for as long as you both live, you should be as prepared as possible. 

Below are the conversations the two of you should have before the wedding day. I encourage you to have these conversations, and to record them for in the future. 

If you’re each happy with the other person's answers, you should be ready, and this will help you build a communication that is needed in a Marriage. 

I hope you have already had these conversations, but either way, this is a good time to record your answers. Getting married can be a time of bliss. However, with close to 50% of marriages ending in divorce, it's clear that many people getting married might benefit from taking a step back and evaluating their decision. Of course, people usually marry for love, but there are several other useful factors that should enter the decision, ranging from knowledge of your partner to thoughts about yourself. 
     Everything starts, and ends, with God. 
     So let’s talk about God.

We know everything good comes from God 
If you center Christ in your marriage, you will always have joy in your marriage. 

If you stray away from this, you will have to deal with the choice you make. 

However, if you plan to have children, and you want them to have moral vales, and the best chance for salvation, you need to set your foundation, Now! 

You need to pick a time during the day to be together to read the Word of God, and Pray. And when the children come, include them.
(Takes about 10 minutes) 

Talk about your faith, and how you see it affecting your shared life; right now, with children, and when the children move out. 

As for Religion or that place to worship.  Follow your heart. 
Find a place you both love to attend, and pray about it. 

1.   These Questions and Answers are for the Bride and Groom Only. 
   
   Agree On the Basics "A couple must agree on the following topics: 
   
   1) Do you want kids? 
   
   2) Do you want pets? 
   
   3) Sex how many times a week? 
   
   4) Who does the laundry? 
   
   5) Who does the cooking? 
   
   6) Who does the budget? 
   
   7) Who does the childcare? 
   
   8) Who does the yard work? 
   
   9) Who does the shopping? 
   
   8) Who cleans the kitchen? 
   
   9) Who cleans the bathroom? 
   
   10) What do you do, or want to see on
         holidays and special events? 
   
   11) When will you do your daily praying together? 
   
   12) Where will you go to praise Jesus Christ? 
   
   13) Who will be more important than your spouse? 
   

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1.   Have Clear Sexpectations 1 of 2 

Sex is designed for the Marriage Couple.  It is great for the health, releases chemicals to drawl you near, helps prevent cancer, keeping you young, communication, and it is enjoyable.  For Women sex is usually 25% of the marriage; however to the Man it is about 50% of the marriage.

"If your sex life to date has been 'traditional' and you believe you and your partner will both be open to greater levels of future 'experimentation, make sure you are both on the same page. Nothing leads a couple into trouble more than failed expectations. Agree on how many times a week you will have sex, and make sure you keep to it. 

You have your jobs, roles, expectations.   But you’re also something more, something delightful and completely apart from each other, your a Man/Woman. And there is potential, depth, emotions, feelings. It is a lovely thing, finding yourself through the touch of someone else that is there for only you.

Women need any number of criteria met to feel loved. Men are far simpler. They need to be fed, appreciated, respected, and they need to have sex. That is it, Really.
So make or order dinner once in a while. Say thank you for the long hours spent at work or home with a hug and smile at the door each night. 

For the home maker; Smile as you hand off the kids and walk out the door for a long, much needed break.   It is astounding what a good man/woman will do for the other that has made them feel loved. After a few weeks of meals and make outs, you will sit back and wonder why you didn’t insist on having sex every night sooner. Talk about a small investment and big returns.

You need to have a moment in each day that is just about the two of you. Remember that boy? The one that made your heart thump and hands sweat?  Or that girl you could not take your eye off of that is why you got married.

Every night after the kids go to bed is a chance to find him or her again. A moment to remind yourself that you are living a picket fenced adventure and my goodness; there is nothing the two of you can’t do.

Sex relieves stress. Yes you could bang your head in the wall, speed through the neighborhood, and drive around at night bashing in strangers mailboxes, or get down and dirty with the one you married because they were the best thing in your life; it is so much blasted fun.

Women !!!

Why are we so quick to refuse the good things in life? We will slog through our children’s Algebra homework, do Zumba in public and pluck the hair from our body ONE PIECE AT A TIME. But tell a girl to have sex every night and she looks at you like you are crazy, An orgasm? Every night?
What do I look like?
A Nymphomaniacal Super Woman?

Are we really too busy with jobs, and roles to participate in an activity That is so good, it has inspired genius (that saucy Shakespeare) and changed history (Okay, Helen of Troy, we get it. You were super hot)? My goodness, what a crazy way to live. Ladies!, did it ever occur to you (to us!) that we should have sex because
WE DESERVE IT?

God instituted the sacrament of marriage wherein man and woman might be joined to become one flesh. SEX, is the celebration of marriage. 

You may need to set dates for your sex life as your schedule gets busy and children are added to your life. 

Also be sure to discuss the impact children will have on your sex life; this is a reason many people struggle and begin to stray." 

Most of us are nervous when we prepare to get married. 

But I can tell you, if you both center your lives and marriage on Jesus Christ,you will have a joyful marriage for the rest of your life. 

I am not saying you will not face your share of storms, we all do. 
But when you are centered on God, he will help you through those storms . . . and if you face one that is too much for you . . . he will carry you through it. 

Although many have used sex for cheap thrills, it is designed to celebrate marriage. 

Sex in marriage is a total trust of each other before God 
Nearly every couple that has been together more than a couple of years and is past the honeymoon stage struggles with sex at some point in their relationship. We have men and women with different hormone levels, different needs, different expectations; we have early abandonment or rejection wounds that are easily triggered around sex. 

We have a host of false beliefs that plague partners around the topic of sex.   So you see the potential for conflict in this area is big. 
Most people also don't know the truth about what creates great sex.  The popular message says that great sex is a function of technique and frequency, but this is a cultural lie. 

The truth is that great sex is a function of
connection, first with yourself and then with your partner. 

In other words, when you feel alive inside your own skin and connected to your partner's soul, then you can meet each other sexually in a way that will feel fulfilling for both of you. 

Sex is an expression of love. If it's used for anything else -- to try to get approval or love or to try to feel alive -- it won't feel good for either of you in the long run. You may experience a physical sensation of pleasure or an emotional high of feeling wanted or desired, but in the aftermath of sex you're likely to feel empty, lonely, and possibly used. 

And here's a news flash: Great sex isn't only about having an orgasm! What? Really? Stop the presses! That's right. You can feel deeply connected to your partner sexually even if neither of you climax every time you make love. 

We live in such a goal-oriented culture that we think that great orgasm equals great sex, but the reality is that an orgasm comprises the last 20 seconds of love making. 

What's happening the rest of the time? Hopefully, you're opening to your partner and experiencing each other's bodies and beings in other ways.

You're allowing him to touch you in places that you've never been touched -- and I'm not talking about your physical body. I mean that when you meet each other in the bedroom you do so with an intention to connect in a place past thought, to learn to break through habitual walls that arise to keep out intimacy, and sometimes that means receiving your partner's loving touch without any agenda or attachment to outcome. 

Just being in the moment with each other, in an
open-hearted way with your eyes wide open.  

This is what it means to make love, not just have sex. 

Another big lie that our culture feeds us is that sex drive, like love, is ignited by another person. 

We say, "He made me feel so alive," without recognizing that, after the free ride of the infatuation stage, you can only feel alive if you have the love of Jesus Christ inside of you. We believe that someone can "make you feel loved" without owning that the capacity to receive love begins inside your own heart. Am I saying that anyone can turn you on if you're connected to your own sexuality? No, there needs to be a core connection, which doesn't happen every day. 
But if the core connection is there and your drive is down, I suggest examining it from a few different angles: 
Remind yourself that it's normal for your sex drive to ebb and flow. Just like the feeling of love and the arc of life itself, it's unrealistic to expect anything to remain at a constant level. 

Turn inside to see if you're feeling connected to God. When connected to God, you feel alive and you will bring this to your partner. Ask yourself if you're feeling connected to your partner. Great sex arises from a great emotional connection, so if your libido dropped you may want to try to reconnect emotionally first and see if the sparks naturally alight from there. 

And there's one more important point: When you drift from God, the first thing to shut down is your sex drive. Sex is the celebration of being one before God, and praying together is the best way to overcome this. 

Genesis 2:24 ESV
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and (Cleave) hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

 Galatians 5:19-21 ESV
Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Note: Sex is only between a man and woman who are married to each other. 

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 Have Clear Sexpectations 2 of 2 

Have you had sex with each other, or anyone you were not married to??? 

If you have, promise each other, you will never have sex again, outside of your marriage, then pray and ask forgiveness from God, and strength to never again have sex outside of marriage. 

If you have not had sex outside of marriage, pray to thank God and ask him to continue giving you strength to not have sex outside of your marriage 

CONGRATULATIONS, I know this is not easy. 
With that said, you do need to Stay Physical 
"Keep the physical aspect of your relationship
alive as best as you can. This sense of closeness
offers a kind of communication that goes beyond words. 

While sex is for the marriage bed, there's always a
way to keep the sensual aspect going—Knowing that there is someone in your life who is always there for a hug, a handhold, a kiss or a cuddle in the night creates a secure feeling, which is especially important during this time." 

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5.  "Is it wrong for a couple to live together before marriage?" 

The answer to this question depends somewhat on what is meant by "living together.  If it means having sexual relations, it is definitely wrong. 

Premarital sex is repeatedly condemned in Scripture, along with all other forms of sexual immorality (Acts 15:20; Romans 1:29; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13, 18; 7:2; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). 
The Bible promotes complete abstinence outside of (and before) marriage. Sex before marriage is just as wrong as adultery, homosexual acts and other forms of sexual immorality, because they all involve having sex with someone you are not married to in the eyes of God, therefore you are sinning against your own body. 

If "living together" means living in the same house, that is perhaps a different issue. 

Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with a man and a woman living in the same house—if there is nothing immoral taking place. However, the problem arises in that there is still the appearance of immorality (1 Thessalonians 5:22; Ephesians 5:3), and it could be a tremendous temptation for immorality. 

The Bible tells us to flee immorality, not expose ourselves to constant temptations to immorality 

(1 Corinthians 6:18). Then there is the problem of appearances. A couple who is living together is assumed to be sleeping together—that is just the nature of things. Even though living in the same house is not sinful in and of itself, the appearance of sin is there. The Bible tells us to avoid the appearance of evil

1 Thessalonians 5:22;

Ephesians 5:3, to flee from immorality, and not to cause anyone to stumble or be offended. 

Matthew 5:27-28 ESV  
 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not
   commit adultery.’     But I say to you that
   everyone who looks at a woman with
   lustful intent has already committed adultery
   with her in his heart.

As a result, it is not honoring to God for a man and a woman to live together outside of God's marriage. 

4. Talk About Kids People might take the idea of wanting children for granted, but before jumping into marriage, you might want to ensure that your partner has the same desires regarding children. 

The first step is establishing if and how many children each partner desires to have. 
If you're on marriage number 2, or even three, and already have kids, you have to know if your soon-to-be-spouse wants kids and will not only love yours like their own,  but will also respect the boundaries that you've set up regarding how you raise and reprimand your kids. Are you open to adoption if it's necessary? 

It is okay to disagree on how many kids you think you want right now. Once a couple has their first child, they have a better idea of how many children they really want. 

What are your basic principles and thoughts on how kids should be raised and disciplined when they disobey? 

If they are in a different stratosphere about this, then the relationship will never work." 

How long do you want to wait before having children? 

How long will the wife stay home once the baby is born, and who is going to be at home caring for the baby? 

What will be the arrangements for caring for the children? 

Isaiah 1:1-31 ESV
The vision of Isaiah the son of Amoz, which he saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem in the days of Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah, kings of Judah. Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth; for the Lord has spoken: “Children have I reared and brought up, but they have rebelled against me. The ox knows its owner, and the donkey its master's crib, but Israel does not know, my people do not understand.” Ah, sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, offspring of evildoers, children who deal corruptly! They have forsaken the Lord, they have despised the Holy One of Israel, they are utterly estranged. Why will you still be struck down? Why will you continue to rebel? The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint. ...

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1.   About Family 
   
   If you want to marry someone, you need to know the family prior to marriage.   Families that are close are especially critical to know, as marriage will not only unite you and your partner, but also you and your partner's family. 
   
   The interaction with potential in-laws will give you a new perspective on your partner -- usually establishing a more intense bond and connection. Values, Past and Your Current Relationship Status. Understanding values covers a vast range of topics, from being understanding of your partner's relationship with Jesus Christ to agreeing with their basic principles on life. 
   
   Alternatively, an important aspect to your partner is their past, as this will play a critical role in dictating who they are today and where they want to go in the future. 
   
   Make sure you understand your partner's past thoroughly prior to continuing with the future. 
   
   It's also important to cast an unbiased eye at the current status of your relationship, taking into account the highs and lows of the relationship. It’s okay if you both do not do all family events; the crucial part is that neither of you feels like the in-laws gets priority over you. 
   
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2.   Be Money Savvy 
   
   Decide whether you'll pool all your money or keep separate accounts, and determine which accounts you'll draw from for everyday expenses and for big investments. And if one of you is a spender and the other is a saver, choose amounts to set aside for the future and for personal spending that you'll both be satisfied with. 
   
   Couples need to recognize that, in one way or another, money will affect every decision that they make together, from the brand of cereal to buy to where to go on date night. This understanding is the first step toward building a solid money relationship, which is imperative for marital bliss. 
   
   Try a 10 yr plan. That is for 10 yrs take 10% of everything you make and put it away for 10 yrs. Then 10 yrs from today, plan on doing something special for the both of you. 
   
   Then plan on what you are going to do with your money for the next 10 yrs. Of course anytime you fall on hard times, you have this money to BORROW from. 

Also closely connected to your money, is your career. Where do you want to be in five years? How do you see your 9-to-5 -- and your salary -- evolving over your lifetime? Getting both your expectations in line with reality will cut down on money-related arguments later. 

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1.   Be Best Friends 
   
   "It is imperative that you and your spouse be best friends. 
   Friendship outlasts earning potential and the ability to fit into that size-two dress. 
   
   A marriage based on friendship allows you to be the true person that you are, at all times. 
   
   True friendship endures the heartache and pain of life and calls you to be selfless. 
   
   To love someone is a choice that you make to give of yourself even while it hurts.  Thus, the true enemy of love is not hate, but selfishness." 
   
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2.   Day-to-Day Living 
   
   Prior to marriage, an important conversation to have is one about the reality of living with another person. Find out how your partner feels about chores and cleaning -- do they feel it is their responsibility, yours, or equal? Then get into bills and working -- who will pay for what and who will perform the actual payment? 
   
   Does one partner want to work or both? This will ensure everyone is on understanding terms prior to moving on to the more fun aspects of marriage. Sex, although an important part of a marriage for many reasons, it is not the most important. How many times a week does you expect to have sex? If you had sex before marriage, do you expect it to be any different once you’re married? 
   
   The moments you have now, do you expect the same after your married? 
   
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1.    Show Respect 
   
   "Respect is the most important part of a relationship, because no matter how much you love each other, life throws surprises at you, and it's important that you make decisions together. 
   
   Spouses need to listen to one another and respect the other's views. 
   
   These days, one of the best ways a man can show respect to a woman is by being proud of her career. 
   
   Women today need support for their work the same way men always have.
   
   1. How do you show respect for the love of your life now? 
   
   2. What other ways can you "Show Respect" for each other? 
   
   Disagreements are inevitable. Make sure you understand each other's way of managing conflict, set the ground rules, what is forbidden to do. (No Profanity and insults should be first rule, not even in play) 
   
   Tweak how you handle arguments to accommodate each other. 
   
   Get a notebook to add things from future disagreements. Do not change facts, but record in a loving way to review to solve or answer issues so as not to happen in the future.  Record after that what you think you need to pray about.
   
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   Put Each Other First 

1. "Remember why you fell in love, and always choose each other.

I ask that you each write a one page “Love” letter to each other. 

How did you meet, what did you like about them, what were your thoughts, when did you decide they were marriage material, and why?

What were your thoughts at the engagement, what thoughts do you have of their parents, what are you willing to do to keep the other happy.

Choose each other over all other people—over your parents, even over your children.. 

You don't always have to agree, but you do need to make each other the center of your lives.   Also, be forgiving, never lose your sense of humor, and be grateful for the blessing of having found each other." 

1. How do you "Put Each Other First" Now? 

2. What other ways can you
"Put Each Other First"? 

You should talk about "Your deal breakers and bucket list". If there's anything else that you know will drive you nuts in a marriage, it's better to chat about it sooner rather than later. Also, you should be up front about the big life goals you're dying to accomplish. Make sure your partner knows about that dream and is open to it. Make sure that you're both okay with how much time you will spend apart. 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

1.   Make It a Choice 
   
   Every couple should know that marriage is a choice you have to make every day. A relationship requires two drivers who help move it forward, though occasionally you and your partner will alternate taking the lead. 
   
   Relationships are work. But the work doesn't have to be difficult; it can be fun and fulfilling. 
   
   Keep Christ centered in your relationship
   and pray together daily. 
   * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

   Be Present 

1. The most subtle and destructive force in marriage is taking your wife or husband for granted.  Remind yourself every day why you love your spouse, and be aware of what you really want out of your marriage. 
   If there are lingering problems or growing distance, being conscious about why you love your partner will help you confront him or her with empathy and respect, rather than resentment and aggression. 
   
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2.   Have Empathy 
   
   "The road to intimacy is paved with
   empathy, the ability to resonate with
   your partner emotionally as your partner resonates with you emotionally. 
   Recent neuroscientific findings show that
   mirror neurons link partners in a romantic and meaningful relationship 
   so they can empathize with each other, forgive and love more deeply." 
   
   * * * * * * * * * * * * *
3.   Know You’re Different 
   
   "Whenever you're feeling annoyed and frustrated with your partner, or feeling unloved, most of the time you're misinterpreting him or her. For example, when a man comes home, quite often he just wants to be alone for a while. I call this 'cave time.' 
   Don't feel as though he doesn't love you, that he doesn't care,
   or that you're not important.  Really, men simply cope with stress differently [than women do]. 

Educate yourself to Identify the Bad "List five things you don't like about your intended. Then decide whether or not you can live with these things in the long term. If you can't think of five things, then you either don't know your partner well enough, or you are not paying close enough attention. If you can identify five things, but you expect them to get better once you say 'I do,' you don't understand marriage well enough
to get involved." 
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1. Date Night. When was your last Date? 
   
   How was the date? 
   
   What was the best part of the date? 
   
   What part of the date would you of wanted to be different? 
   
   How well do you think your date enjoyed the event? 
   
   What would be a better date? 
   
   How often do you want to date, once married 
   
   * * * * * * * * * * * * * 
   
   18. Have Good Reason 
   
   The core reason for getting married should be because you are deeply in love and want to grow old together, as you become one before God, to help each other fulfill their purpose before God, regardless what the future holds. Ask yourself: Are you getting married because of fear, pressure or because you feel you have to? 
   
   Or because you're lonely and think getting married will 'fix' your life? 
   
   If you are getting married for these reasons, you may be headed down a slippery slope toward an unhappy marriage. 
   If you find that arguments and break-ups are common, it can be a good idea to wait it out and eliminate these issues prior to considering marriage -- no matter how great the good times are. 
   
   A marriage is Husband, Wife, and God.
   These are the three who must be happy in the marriage. 
   
   Be sure to consider this always. 

Congratulations!!! If you have completed this whole heartily, I believe you are prepared to be married. If you always keep Jesus Christ Centered in your Marriage, it will be filled with joy for your entire life. 

Wedding Officiant/Pastor  225-475-4245 

Pastor Jay Randolph